On Being a New Mom

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Motherhood. This is a word I always associated with my own mother- mumsie or mum as I call her. Still now, with a sleeping seven week old in the bedroom, I don't feel as though that word applies to me. That somehow I haven't earned it yet?

Motherhood is crying as you hold your precious 4 day old son because you miss having him in your belly so much. It is missing your newborn when your baby is only seven weeks old. It is losing the meaning of time and yet being painfully aware of its passage.

Motherhood is an exhaustion so deep and aching you could never imagine it before experiencing it. It is not being able to fall asleep despite said exhaustion because you can't stop staring at the beautiful, perfect, sweet little face sleeping next to you as you drink in each of his delicious, milky breaths.

It is hating yourself because you want to run away from his endless cries. It is resenting the pre-mama you for thinking this would be all sweet baby cuddles and, you know... easy!

Motherhood is missing your work and resenting that you have a job that will take you away from him even for a second. It is sobbing with him as painful gas bubbles wreak havoc on his tiny bowels; giving up all your favorite foods and more in the hopes you will find the villain causing those bubbles.

It's calling your own mother in tears and asking her if it is okay that this isn't everything you imagined and that it is so, so much harder and more confusing than anyone could have prepared you for.

It is letting go of the baby you pictured before he got here and falling in love with the one you gave birth to. It is staring for hours at tiny body parts that change too fast. It is feeling his hands resting on your chest and gripping you close as he nurses and wanting this to never end; wanting to somehow capture that moment and every other so you can drink them in over and over for the rest of your life.

After all I've done and endured in this life- losing loved ones, moving far from family, medical school, switching residencies- becoming a mother is the most confusing, painful and outright hardest thing I've ever attempted. And yet I desperately clutch at every second, deeply mourning my loss as each moment slips past in an unrelenting march.

That, friends, is being a mom.


  1. Hi There! I followed you over here from A LITTLE BIT OF LACQUER.

    Congratulations on becoming a mother! The first year, especially, is truly unimaginable in my experience (this is coming from a mother of a 24 year old and an almost 8 year old.)

    I remember staring in awe at my newborn babies for what seems like hours... Enjoy the time with your precious baby and try to live in the moment as much as possible...

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment, Andrea! After the initial few weeks (which definitely are a total shock to the system!) I realized how important it is to just take every moment as it comes and relish being home with him. It has turned into the absolute best time of my life!